I have been doing some deep soul searching and reflection. Wanted to share my epiphany with my anonymous readers.
If I did not get sentenced to federal prison and stayed here at my job and home, I know exactly what my life would be like.
But... When I do finally go to federal prison, my future is unwritten. Who knows who or what I will meet and/or do.
Let's face the brutal reality of my life. I've always been an adrenalin junkie and drawn to dangerous and risky situations... Ever since I was a precocious child, I walked that proverbial line of danger. While walking that line is when I felt the most alive. Some people get their thrill from gambling, doing excessive amount of drugs, binge drinking, et cetera... Not me!
Those vices have never done it for me because I needed more excitement. For example, let's briefly touch on my job. For the last 20+ years I have been working in a career where at any moment my life could have ended or I could have been seriously injured. I do not want to delve into exactly what I did for a career at this junction. But I will tell you that I enjoyed every single minute of my profession and I would not change any of those life experiences for anything.
After the 20+ years in my professional career, I must confess that I felt my life was becoming very stagnant. Ask any of my cohorts, close friends and family. They will all repeat my mantra verbatim... "If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room." After many months of deep soul searching, I have come to the realization that I have fallen victim to my own mantra and have been taking up too much room.
Let's face it... I think Federal Prison is going to be very similar to hanging out in Hell or Purgatory like Dante did for a little while. Dante was able to see all the levels of Purgatory and Hell and came out with a different perspective on life. Maybe my incarceration will be similar to Dante's trip...Think about being incarcerated with a bunch of guys who are all like minded and experiencing the same shame and humiliation of being thrown into the judicial system and paying by serving time at a Federal Prison...
I not convinced but I am sure there are going to be lots of juicy stories along with extremely interesting people to meet.
Think about it...A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
Thoughts on Preparing for Federal Prison....
How does one prepare for Federal Prison as your definitive surrender date approaches?
Interesting question isn't it? Think about it for a moment... What would you do? What would be your bucket list? Would there be enough time to complete your list?
There are no "official guide books" or "Cliff Notes" to describe what one must do to prepare for federal prison. So the majority of my days have been researching, studying, chatting with authors and pouring over countless data from the internet.
Yvon Chouinard, from the movie 180° South, once said, "The greatest fear, is the fear of the unknown." (I think he paraphrased it from an older quote.) In that movie, several individuals were traveling to Patagonia via a small sailboat to climb an epic mountain. During their journey they encountered many difficulties and obstacles. But ultimately overcame and adapted to each one. Some obstacles were seriously life threatening while others weren't. But reflecting back on that movie, what struck a chord inside me and helped me find the inner strength and courage to face my fears and struggles was that they survived. Jeff Johnson, the narrator of the movie stated "The best journeys answer questions that in the beginning you didn't even think to ask." What questions will I have after my incarceration with the Federal Bureau of Prisons?
Having been granted the privilege to "self surrender" to federal custody has provided me the opportunity, post conviction, to get my drab, wretched life in order. It also has provided me the privilege to prepare my children, my family, my friends and address my medical and dental issues before my incarceration. It has also afforded me to spend some quality time with family, children and close friends before my epic journey begins. Not too bad of a deal considering it could have be much, much worse.
When I was officially indicted by a Federal Grand Jury, my life immediately turned into an uncontrolled train wreck. My professional career and rising star of a political career was immediately turned into shambles. Everything I worked so hard for my whole life was immediately ruined... Forever... Never to be the same again. The shame, embarrassment, humiliation brought upon my life was crippling financially and emotionally.
Although my alleged crime was not violent and I never had any violent issues in my past, my sentencing Judge was generous enough to allow me to self surrender directly to the Federal Prison instead of being hauled off in shackles and staying in some dank dungeon until the Bureau of Prisons (BOP) found a place for me to serve my time.
I have read and heard many verbal stories of "Diesel Therapy" The BOP's finely crafted art of breaking your balls by busing you from place to place, all hours of the day and night, keeping you on the constant move for many months without any mail, phone or contact from family, children and friends.
Psychologists have made the claim that "Going through sad experiences actually makes us smarter & through that we become better thinkers."
Don't run from the lessons in life. Anything that hurts you has the ability to teach you.
Interesting question isn't it? Think about it for a moment... What would you do? What would be your bucket list? Would there be enough time to complete your list?
There are no "official guide books" or "Cliff Notes" to describe what one must do to prepare for federal prison. So the majority of my days have been researching, studying, chatting with authors and pouring over countless data from the internet.
Yvon Chouinard, from the movie 180° South, once said, "The greatest fear, is the fear of the unknown." (I think he paraphrased it from an older quote.) In that movie, several individuals were traveling to Patagonia via a small sailboat to climb an epic mountain. During their journey they encountered many difficulties and obstacles. But ultimately overcame and adapted to each one. Some obstacles were seriously life threatening while others weren't. But reflecting back on that movie, what struck a chord inside me and helped me find the inner strength and courage to face my fears and struggles was that they survived. Jeff Johnson, the narrator of the movie stated "The best journeys answer questions that in the beginning you didn't even think to ask." What questions will I have after my incarceration with the Federal Bureau of Prisons?
Having been granted the privilege to "self surrender" to federal custody has provided me the opportunity, post conviction, to get my drab, wretched life in order. It also has provided me the privilege to prepare my children, my family, my friends and address my medical and dental issues before my incarceration. It has also afforded me to spend some quality time with family, children and close friends before my epic journey begins. Not too bad of a deal considering it could have be much, much worse.
When I was officially indicted by a Federal Grand Jury, my life immediately turned into an uncontrolled train wreck. My professional career and rising star of a political career was immediately turned into shambles. Everything I worked so hard for my whole life was immediately ruined... Forever... Never to be the same again. The shame, embarrassment, humiliation brought upon my life was crippling financially and emotionally.
Although my alleged crime was not violent and I never had any violent issues in my past, my sentencing Judge was generous enough to allow me to self surrender directly to the Federal Prison instead of being hauled off in shackles and staying in some dank dungeon until the Bureau of Prisons (BOP) found a place for me to serve my time.
I have read and heard many verbal stories of "Diesel Therapy" The BOP's finely crafted art of breaking your balls by busing you from place to place, all hours of the day and night, keeping you on the constant move for many months without any mail, phone or contact from family, children and friends.
Psychologists have made the claim that "Going through sad experiences actually makes us smarter & through that we become better thinkers."
Don't run from the lessons in life. Anything that hurts you has the ability to teach you.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Approx 30 Days Untill I Self Surrender
It is now approximately 30 days before I self surrender to Federal custody. I am a "White Collar" Felon who took a plea deal instead of risking a lengthy trial and possible longer prison sentence. Statically, if a person is criminally charged or indicted by the US Attorney's Office, there is a 98% chanced that you will be convicted of at least one of the charges alleged by the Federal Government. Not good odds to gamble against...
Don't worry, I will spare you the details of my alleged crime for now and how I am innocent like all the others charged by the Federal Government.... I will expand more on that later. What I want to write about is how I feel well prepared for my upcoming incarceration but deep down I know that I am not. This will be my first time "incarcerated" and thrown into an institutional system... needless to say, I am scared to death of the thought of being institutionalized.
What will Federal Prison really be like for me? Will I be assaulted? Extorted? Raped? Will I come out a hardened felon looking to pray on others? At this point, I don't know the exact answers to any of those unknown variables.
Right now I do know that my current plan on "serving time" will be to utilize every minute to better myself and prepare for a NEW life on the outside. The Federal Government is taking 24+ months of my life and that's it! Once I have this behind me, I never plan on going back into Federal Custody or any other custody, EVER!
In all honesty, I am not really scared of being incarcerated for 24+ months, I feel that I am mentally prepared for that aspect of my life. After doing my job for 20+ years (more on that in a later post), watching every Lock Up show on National Geographic, reading many blogs and other's journey's through the prison system, I feel that I have a thorough grasp on the underground prison culture and gained a valuable understanding of it. I am going to a prison camp with no fences or barriers... How bad can it be? I will be getting three hearty meals a day, a bed, heat and air conditioning. Our soldiers in Iraq have it much worse... I will stop complaining now.
What I am scared, afraid or worried (whatever label you put on it) about are how my actions and my incarceration will affect my children, family and friends... In addition, what keeps me up at night a great deal is all the pain and shame that I have brought into their lives. Also, let us not forget the immeasurable shame and failure I have inflicted upon myself.
"They" say prison is a time for reflection on ones life and to make negatives into a positives. Hopefully, through this blog I will be able to share my journey with you, the reader and maybe influence many to not make the same mistakes I made in life.
Stay tuned for more posts!
Don't worry, I will spare you the details of my alleged crime for now and how I am innocent like all the others charged by the Federal Government.... I will expand more on that later. What I want to write about is how I feel well prepared for my upcoming incarceration but deep down I know that I am not. This will be my first time "incarcerated" and thrown into an institutional system... needless to say, I am scared to death of the thought of being institutionalized.
What will Federal Prison really be like for me? Will I be assaulted? Extorted? Raped? Will I come out a hardened felon looking to pray on others? At this point, I don't know the exact answers to any of those unknown variables.
Right now I do know that my current plan on "serving time" will be to utilize every minute to better myself and prepare for a NEW life on the outside. The Federal Government is taking 24+ months of my life and that's it! Once I have this behind me, I never plan on going back into Federal Custody or any other custody, EVER!
In all honesty, I am not really scared of being incarcerated for 24+ months, I feel that I am mentally prepared for that aspect of my life. After doing my job for 20+ years (more on that in a later post), watching every Lock Up show on National Geographic, reading many blogs and other's journey's through the prison system, I feel that I have a thorough grasp on the underground prison culture and gained a valuable understanding of it. I am going to a prison camp with no fences or barriers... How bad can it be? I will be getting three hearty meals a day, a bed, heat and air conditioning. Our soldiers in Iraq have it much worse... I will stop complaining now.
What I am scared, afraid or worried (whatever label you put on it) about are how my actions and my incarceration will affect my children, family and friends... In addition, what keeps me up at night a great deal is all the pain and shame that I have brought into their lives. Also, let us not forget the immeasurable shame and failure I have inflicted upon myself.
"They" say prison is a time for reflection on ones life and to make negatives into a positives. Hopefully, through this blog I will be able to share my journey with you, the reader and maybe influence many to not make the same mistakes I made in life.
Stay tuned for more posts!
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